When writing this blog post, I searched for an image of an "angry mum" to add, and nothing came up. It's important we acknowledge that this is often a taboo and hidden aspect of motherhood that many of us feel, yet feel deeply shameful about. This is perpetuated by images of soft, angelic and seemingly perfect motherhood that are prevalent within society.
Amongst the sleepless nights, constant demands, and overwhelming responsibilities of motherhood, it's typical for emotions to run high. Anger and rage are two powerful emotions that can surface during motherhood, leaving many mothers feeling guilty, ashamed, and unsure of how to cope. We must recognise that anger is a normal human emotion and that there are healthy ways to navigate this.
Understanding the Causes
Motherhood is complex, and with that comes a whole range of emotions, anger being one of them. Anger typically shows up in response to some kind of threat; we've all heard of fight or flight before, right? Anger drives us to do something in response to any kind of risk, whether that is a practical risk or an emotional one. Many factors contribute to anger and rage in mothers, these may include:
Exhaustion and Stress: Sleep deprivation and constant multitasking can leave mothers feeling physically and emotionally drained, making it challenging to regulate their emotions.
Overwhelming Responsibilities: Balancing childcare, household chores, work, and personal needs can create a constant state of pressure, leaving little room for a mother's own needs to be met.
Hormonal Changes: Pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, and menopause involve significant hormonal shifts that can affect mood stability, making mothers more susceptible to anger.
Lack of Support: Feeling isolated or unsupported in the motherhood journey can contribute to feelings of frustration and resentment.
The Impact of Anger and Rage
For many people I meet with, their own experience of experiencing the anger of others can drive us to not want to feel this ourselves. Anger may have been a scary experience for you growing up; you may have felt this physically, or felt rejected by your caregivers when they displayed anger towards you. For other people I meet with, they may have little experience with anger; they may never have seen their caregivers get angry, and when they felt angry themselves they may have been shamed for this. So many parents I meet with fear that their anger is going to harm or damage their child in some way; it's really important we change this narrative around anger.
When we don’t make room for anger, it usually spills out when we’re least expecting it. I often hear people say that they feel their anger is disproportionate to the trigger, and this is why! When we don’t make room for anger, it can strain the attachment relationship. Chronic anger can also impact on our physical and mental health. Excessive anger is linked to cardiovascular problems, problems with the immune system, mental health difficulties and chronic pain.
Supporting your relationship with anger in motherhood
Recognising and addressing anger and rage in motherhood is crucial for the wellbeing of both mothers and their children. Here are some strategies to help support your relationship with anger in motherhood:
Self-Reflection and Awareness
Take the time to understand the triggers and underlying causes of anger. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, can help increase self-awareness and provide valuable insights that can support us to change our relationship with anger.
Seek Support
Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups who can offer empathy, advice, and a listening ear. Remember, you're not alone in this journey.
Effective Communication
Practice open and honest communication with your partner, expressing your feelings and needs. Share the responsibilities of parenting and household tasks to reduce the burden.
Creating Outlets for Emotions
Anger often shows up when we try to push away our own feelings or needs over and over again, and then it explodes. Engage in activities that help release pent-up emotions in a different way, such as exercise or writing. Physical outlets can be particularly helpful in managing anger and reducing stress levels.
Professional Help
If anger and rage persist and significantly impact your daily life, seeking professional help can provide valuable guidance and support.
Motherhood can be a challenging journey, and anger and rage are normal emotions that can arise. By acknowledging and addressing these emotions, mothers can pave the way for emotional wellness and a stronger bond with their children. With time, patience, and self-compassion, mothers can change their relationship with anger and rage, to make space for it in their life.
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